Updated: Feb 20, 2019
I guess it makes sense to do a brief introduction within this post just to give new visitors a bit of background into who I am, so here it goes.
My name is Ellie, I'm 23 years old and currently live in Huddersfield in Yorkshire (UK). I recently had some life shifting events take place in my world, and after numerous suggestions/requests by my friends and online community I decided to get back into blogging and my YouTube channel to document me piecing my life back together. Not for attention, but simply because I find it quite therapeutic to write things down and I like to think that I'm not the only 20-something wondering what on EARTH they are doing with their lives so I hope that the lessons I learn could inspire or help others too. I'm basically taking one for the team here, ok?
Yesterday, I posted on my Instagram story asking my followers what topics they would be interested to read when I started my blog, and as I kind of expected, one of the most popular suggestions was along the lines of 'what are you up to with your life now?!' Loosely translated, I expect, as 'my god what are you doing now the other half of you has gone?'
Naturally, when you're in an intense relationship that you share with an online community, people become invested in both of you and the content that you post on a regular basis. They know your business more and notice when things aren't 'right' or when posting is inconsistent, if existent at all. So, my intentions with this blog post aren't to reveal all or dish the dirt on what happened within my last relationship. It's simply to explain where I am at now and my journey along the way- PVO here (PVO= positive vibes only).
To summarise... after being involved in a car accident in November that caused both physical and mental effects for me, I reached a point in December where my mental health had deteriorated to a low that I had never experienced before.
I believe it was a combination of frustration, not being able to exercise due to having to rest constantly, not being able to leave the flat due to complete anxiety about going out, being in a car and of other people crashing into us and also due to the strains my relationship was facing.
At the start of January I went to the doctors and literally poured my heart out. I couldn't see a 'light at the end of the tunnel' and felt like I was hanging on to any remaining fake happiness just for the sake of my family and friends. I had to fill in a form regarding my mental state and to this day am yet to hear back- the waiting list can be up to 6 months long just to receive counselling so I wondered why I was even bothering really.
I was drinking as much and as often as I could just to try and escape the reality I was in and everything just felt like a downward spiral as the alcohol was probably worsening my state of mind further. At this time, as I ended my relationship, things became more bitter and toxic than they'd ever been which made everything 10 times harder.
A very close family friend reached out to me around this time knowing how lost I was and I can honestly say that without her, I genuinely don't know if I'd have got through January. She worked with me to change the way I perceived my emotions and gave me tools to use when I was experiencing the worst of my anxiety and felt in that inescapable dark place. It all began to make so much sense and instead of blaming myself for everything going on and for the behaviour of those around me (I tend to get overwhelming feelings that I am the root cause of all the negativity around me), I finally realised that it is just unrealistic self harm to do so.
As February started and it was my birthday- cue a weekend away with my parents in the middle of the forest filling my time with nothing but eating, going on water slides and drinking gin and tonics (aka pure bliss). Once we got back home, I was already starting to feel more positive and I started to fill up my weeks seeing all of the friends that I'd regrettably either lost touch with or not made the time to see due to us both being so busy. My physio gave me the thumbs up to get back into the gym slowly but surely and encouraged me to do lots of walking too- something I have also found to be very beneficial when my mind is on overdrive.
Regrettably, due to starting our business together, we are now going to have to close down Avalon Mae Social Media Marketing... but I'm taking this step as a positive way to start new things and to appreciate everything I have learnt from starting up and running the business. I have started looking into positions in a social media/marketing type role and will see where that leads me! I am also potentially putting my flat on Air BnB for a bit of extra money too so that will be fun.
My focus has also been rebuilding my relationship with myself over this past month or so. I admit that previously I have been so over-reliant on someone else being there all the time for support and to make me happy that I despised time alone. I never dared go anywhere alone, couldn't sleep in the house alone or even do basic tasks like go shopping without the complete and utter fear that something awful was going to happen.
I'm very glad to say that I've almost flipped those feelings completely on their head now. I now cannot wait to wrap up on the sofa with a blanket and some biscuits to watch whatever I want on Netflix and reflect on my day in peace. My car is now fixed post-crash so I have the independence to go where I want, when I want and I have never surrounded myself with so many amazingly wonderful and positive people. I genuinely feel blessed to have the people in my life that I do right now and the world could throw whatever it wanted my way and all I can do is laugh because I know I got dissss. I feel the most positive I have in so long and I can finally see some sort of 'end' to this bad patch. Life's full of lessons so utilise them don't let them overtake who you are.
To anyone out their struggling, know that however long or hard the road seems; you have the strength to get through I promise you!
Thank you so much for reading- apologies that it's a little long but I hope that it's maybe cleared some things up or answered the questions people may have had.